I'm not tired anymore, at least. Now that class starts at ten in the morning, I find myself waking up BEFORE my alarm.... which is, needless to say, irritating. *sigh* I feel so pent up, and I keep exploding at people (like Aaron). I don't know why.... perhaps it's just my frustration with my apparent lack of self-control. Who knows, maybe I have more self-control than most people, maybe I have less, but it just doesn't seem like enough anymore. I want to have that relationship where I felt God so close to me like I used to. But even that, I'm not sure I want, because back when I felt that I was still really depressed. Now, I'm not depressed anymore but I also don't feel God as strongly as I used to.
It's strange, taking life with a smile and bouncing around like I do now. I sometimes don't understand what I'm doing or why. Yet here I am, hardly ever upset or angry anymore. I like it, it makes me a better person to be around, but it means I'm getting this pent-up-about-to-explode-or-something feeling a lot. *sighs again* Things are just so odd, and so tense sometimes. I have new responsibilities at work, new apartment-mates whom I like but don't know yet, new concerns (and old ones) about relationships..... the list goes on and on. At least I'm still consistently generally doing okay. Sometimes I just wish people could see down through me and see my inside soul, and hug that tiny part of me till it felt better.... *another sigh* I'm still praying, and hoping that God will help me. Anyways, that's just my emotionally-charged rant for today. I shan't be this depressing usually. ^_^
Thursday, June 09, 2005
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2 comments:
*hugs* hang in there. Even without being depressed God can still be very close. It's not unusual for awareness of His presence to go through really close and somewhat blah times. *hugs again*
Isn't that weird? Sometimes it seems that we're most miserable when we're looking for God the hardest, but there's something wrong with that. Maybe it's the acceleration we feel. You always feel like you're being crushed towards the ground when you're accelerating away from it... okay, that's my engineering analogy for the day. God bless
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