Potential for Disaster

Everyone please pray for my hometown of Dickinson as we face the possible devastation of Hurricane Rita. I never thought that my home would actually be in the path of a hurricane this dangerous (which is a foolish thought considering I live practically on the Gulf coast). My family (and my cat) have evacuated as most of you know, and at the moment I believe are planning on coming here. Just pray for my city, please. It's a frightening thought to think that the place you've lived all your life could just be washed away in a day.

Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up again.....

Sometimes I feel so... disillusioned with the world. There is nothing perfect or truly beautiful here, and those things that come close are the things I fail to see or appreciate. I try to stop and look at all the loveliness around me, but my mind always wanders back to the pain I feel inside. Trying to work things out, trying to understand relationships and people, trying to be the woman I am meant to be and get everything done I need to do... I get so lost sometimes.

I try and try to be perfect, to not be so foolish and impetuous and impatient and discontent. Yet in all the moments where I feel I am finally attuning with God's heart, I fail, I fall, and lose myself in what the horrible 'inner' me wants. I want to be an empty tool, free for God to use, but in me is all this clutter and emotion and confusion that constantly cloud my mind and make me forget Who it is I serve.

All these questions I can't seem to answer... am I still my own person, will I be after this covenant, how can I best serve my friends, am I truly serving my God or just seeking after what I want.... so many questions. I strive to give them to God and let them be, but they don't seem to stay there.

Yes

Yoink!

For some reason, my entire apartment, me included, have been suffering from depression. I keep finding myself wanting to curl up and cry. Some of the old desires have returned but thank God they are not strong. I do not know what I can do about this. Feelings plague me and I cannot simply ignore them, though I do try. I am confused, hopeless, and lost. I am praying that God will hold me and the others. Prayer seems effective only when I am praying for others. Then I always see results, but I suppose I am not in the best position to evaluate what God is doing for me.

Will I ever find what I am seeking? Am I meant to keep searching forever? Or does what I look for not even exist?