Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up again.....

Sometimes I feel so... disillusioned with the world. There is nothing perfect or truly beautiful here, and those things that come close are the things I fail to see or appreciate. I try to stop and look at all the loveliness around me, but my mind always wanders back to the pain I feel inside. Trying to work things out, trying to understand relationships and people, trying to be the woman I am meant to be and get everything done I need to do... I get so lost sometimes.

I try and try to be perfect, to not be so foolish and impetuous and impatient and discontent. Yet in all the moments where I feel I am finally attuning with God's heart, I fail, I fall, and lose myself in what the horrible 'inner' me wants. I want to be an empty tool, free for God to use, but in me is all this clutter and emotion and confusion that constantly cloud my mind and make me forget Who it is I serve.

All these questions I can't seem to answer... am I still my own person, will I be after this covenant, how can I best serve my friends, am I truly serving my God or just seeking after what I want.... so many questions. I strive to give them to God and let them be, but they don't seem to stay there.