My life is sped up, always everything goes too fast and too hard. I died, fell into dark, rebuilt, shattered, loved, hated, all so fast and so hard. Now I'm experiencing the joy of the new Christian, only sped up and accelerated. What next? I can say this, my life has never been boring. But why? Why would God make me like this? And how many others are the same way? Maybe everyone feels, believes, and does everything to the extreme like I do. Maybe I am not so different as it seems. Or am I? Why can't I know?
.........
God's will be done.
That's all I have to say about that.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Wove.... Twoo Wove.... Wiww Fowwow You... Fowevew...
One more month of school left..... This weekend marks the beginning of the final round of tests before finals. Then the second week in December is finals. Oh, I wish November were over already! It seems like it'll be forever before I can go to LETU again!
On another note..... GOD IS AWESOME!!! How can you explain love like His unless you've experienced it?!? He loves us so much He gave us stars and the sky and cats (^_^). I love God so much... And I've realized that you can't truly fall in love with anyone until you've fallen in love with God. If you try, your mind and soul get caught up in an imperfect vessel that can't hold them, and the one you love will break under the strain and you will be crushed. But if God is in the center, He holds your soul and spirit, and that of the one you love, and He can hold an infinite amount. So when you do fall in love with someone, all that they have to hold of you is that love you have for them, because all the rest of you is resting in God! And everyone loves love.
Someday I will fall in love. But God will always be my first love. And they say that you never forget your first love. ^_^
On another note..... GOD IS AWESOME!!! How can you explain love like His unless you've experienced it?!? He loves us so much He gave us stars and the sky and cats (^_^). I love God so much... And I've realized that you can't truly fall in love with anyone until you've fallen in love with God. If you try, your mind and soul get caught up in an imperfect vessel that can't hold them, and the one you love will break under the strain and you will be crushed. But if God is in the center, He holds your soul and spirit, and that of the one you love, and He can hold an infinite amount. So when you do fall in love with someone, all that they have to hold of you is that love you have for them, because all the rest of you is resting in God! And everyone loves love.
Someday I will fall in love. But God will always be my first love. And they say that you never forget your first love. ^_^
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Who am I? Part 2
EDIT:
Yeah, I'm just that evil.....
You're Martinez!
Which Member of the Shadow Council Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
So apparently I'm Martinez.... Scary, that. Especially now that I've met him... Ah well, I guess that's just the way things go.
On another note this is the link to my second completed video. The username to log in is: randomrachel and the password is: random. That un and pw will work now. Please download and review!
Yeah, I'm just that evil.....
You're Martinez!
Which Member of the Shadow Council Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
So apparently I'm Martinez.... Scary, that. Especially now that I've met him... Ah well, I guess that's just the way things go.
On another note this is the link to my second completed video. The username to log in is: randomrachel and the password is: random. That un and pw will work now. Please download and review!
Monday, October 25, 2004
Regrets
I hurt a dear friend today, and I did so knowingly. I knew I was hurting her, ignoring her, and neglecting her after I promised not to. I justified it to myself, tried to rationalize what I was doing, but the truth is that I just wanted to get what I wanted. It's like I didn't care about anything else. Dear God, how could I have been so selfish? I am truly a calloused person who cares only for herself. Oh, how I wish I would just let go of me and let God have me!!
I talk about God's will, but I can't see it. I try to follow what God says and I end up only listening to myself. I can't give up though. I must try harder. There is a perfect God out there and He does have a plan and a way for me and I must follow it, whether I want to or not. What "feels right" isn't always what is right. And what I want is very rarely what is right. How long will it take me to learn this? And how long will I keep hurting those I care about?
I talk about God's will, but I can't see it. I try to follow what God says and I end up only listening to myself. I can't give up though. I must try harder. There is a perfect God out there and He does have a plan and a way for me and I must follow it, whether I want to or not. What "feels right" isn't always what is right. And what I want is very rarely what is right. How long will it take me to learn this? And how long will I keep hurting those I care about?
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
The Road Goes Ever On And On
Well, I didn't get to meet my friends at DDR.... our car broke down about two blocks away from it and by the time Rachel's mom got there I was too nerved up to want to play anymore. But on the bright side, the next day I went to Renfest to search for my wallet (which is in the mail now) and had a blast with Jenny. Roadtrip!!! So, on my way back I stopped by Supertracks, the place I had been heading to the night before. And lo and behold, there was this amazing guy there from the forum playing! It was amazing to watch him play. And I got to see him SDG (single-digit greats) Paranoia Survivor... O_O Good times, good times.
God's been helping me so much these days. I think He's been trying to teach me that He is all I need and that He is the only one I really want. God is amazing that way. He's been telling me that once I truly do love Him more than anyone or anything else, and am content with only Him, He will give me other people. But He doesn't want anyone else taking His place in my heart. A hard lesson for someone like me, who tends to obsess over people I care about, but a necessary one.
I'm praying for you all, and I miss you all terribly. But you shall see me (most of you) this weekend when I come up there!! Pray that my driver's license arrives in time for me to get there.... If it doesn't that's $60 gone to waste. Ja ne, minna-san!
God's been helping me so much these days. I think He's been trying to teach me that He is all I need and that He is the only one I really want. God is amazing that way. He's been telling me that once I truly do love Him more than anyone or anything else, and am content with only Him, He will give me other people. But He doesn't want anyone else taking His place in my heart. A hard lesson for someone like me, who tends to obsess over people I care about, but a necessary one.
I'm praying for you all, and I miss you all terribly. But you shall see me (most of you) this weekend when I come up there!! Pray that my driver's license arrives in time for me to get there.... If it doesn't that's $60 gone to waste. Ja ne, minna-san!
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Very busy I am, yes......
So the past week has been very busy. Sunday was nothing really, but Monday was looong. Had work and school. Then Tuesday, had work and nothing, but worked on my AMV till I was ragged. Stupid me.... Wednesday, I called into work sick, and got a chance to recuperate some, but had an accounting test that night. Thursday I went in to work and my boss said I still looked really tired and that I should take that day off too. Which I did. Friday was not so busy, and I finished my AMV (hallelujah!) I'll be posting the link to it later, when I can get the screenname I want to give out to work. Anyways, today is Saturday, and my wallet, which if you don't know has been missing for a week, was found at the Renfest! So I was going to go pick it up, but then discovered that they apparently don't answer their phones on Saturday mornings. So I will go tomorrow, I think, and attempt to get it. Wish me luck.
The rest of today is now hereby dedicated to going to play DDR at Supertracks with some seriously awesome people and playing to my heart's content. Ahhh, the joys of DDR..... ^_^
The rest of today is now hereby dedicated to going to play DDR at Supertracks with some seriously awesome people and playing to my heart's content. Ahhh, the joys of DDR..... ^_^
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Milords and Ladies, I bid thee welcome!
Let me get this out first:
RENFEST WAS WAY INCREDIBLY BEYOND IMAGINATION AWESOME!!!!!!!
Okay, now I've got that out.
We left for Renfest at about 10, meaning we got there about noon. After jamming to music in the car and taking a nap, I felt refreshed and ready for the experience! We parked and wheeled Rachel's chair (yo, she's in a wheelchair for those who don't know) across the muddy grass and gravel pathways to get to the far-off entrance. Once we got there, and gave our tickets, we entered what seemed to be a new world. It was like walking into a village in the 16th century! We strolled through the endless booths of jewelry, swords, costumes, books, anything that could be bought was there!
After we tired of the booths, we visited a group of minstrels playing in the grass, and Jenny danced as I took a picture. I took most of the pictures actually. We then went to see jousting, which was incredible, and from there to the “Ded Bob Show”. For those of you under 18, do not go to this show. For those of you older, it was absolutely hilarious! Ded Bob is a puppet skeleton that is more than a little risqué, but also very funny. We laughed ourselves silly.
After the show, we continued traversing the grounds, running into such memorable things as the flute-maker, the tactile balls, a man carving copper leaves, and so many costumed people I couldn’t even begin to count them. Also we watched a gypsy dance on another stage, where at one point a dancer took out a live snake and was dancing with it! We took pictures left and right, needless to say. And I then proceeded to buy a dagger, very cheap, and very sharp. I love it dearly.
The highlight of the day, however, was when we were about to leave, and were told that in a few minutes we could witness the King attempting to cure Don Quixote. Unwilling to miss this, we waited, and were not disappointed when the scene arrived. We entered into an arena type area, with benches behind it for us to sit in, to watch the duel scene. It was incredible! When it was over though, the King posed a riddle for all those in the audience. The courtiers then went out to ask everyone if they knew the answer. Jenny and I quickly decided what the answer was, and to our surprise, we got it right!
The King then told those of us who got it right to come forward into the arena. He then asked the six of us that got the riddle, another riddle. It was easy, and Jenny and I, and everyone else got it right. We were then told to kneel. The King came to me first, and laid his sword on my shoulder and said these words: “In the name of St. Michael and St. George, I hereby declare thee fit to mete out justice in this village, and proclaim you a Knight of the Quest.” We were thrilled, and so excited, and as we stood after that and the crowd all cheered for us, I knew I had found my adventure.
More shall be posted later, when I am not quite so tired. Love you all!
RENFEST WAS WAY INCREDIBLY BEYOND IMAGINATION AWESOME!!!!!!!
Okay, now I've got that out.
We left for Renfest at about 10, meaning we got there about noon. After jamming to music in the car and taking a nap, I felt refreshed and ready for the experience! We parked and wheeled Rachel's chair (yo, she's in a wheelchair for those who don't know) across the muddy grass and gravel pathways to get to the far-off entrance. Once we got there, and gave our tickets, we entered what seemed to be a new world. It was like walking into a village in the 16th century! We strolled through the endless booths of jewelry, swords, costumes, books, anything that could be bought was there!
After we tired of the booths, we visited a group of minstrels playing in the grass, and Jenny danced as I took a picture. I took most of the pictures actually. We then went to see jousting, which was incredible, and from there to the “Ded Bob Show”. For those of you under 18, do not go to this show. For those of you older, it was absolutely hilarious! Ded Bob is a puppet skeleton that is more than a little risqué, but also very funny. We laughed ourselves silly.
After the show, we continued traversing the grounds, running into such memorable things as the flute-maker, the tactile balls, a man carving copper leaves, and so many costumed people I couldn’t even begin to count them. Also we watched a gypsy dance on another stage, where at one point a dancer took out a live snake and was dancing with it! We took pictures left and right, needless to say. And I then proceeded to buy a dagger, very cheap, and very sharp. I love it dearly.
The highlight of the day, however, was when we were about to leave, and were told that in a few minutes we could witness the King attempting to cure Don Quixote. Unwilling to miss this, we waited, and were not disappointed when the scene arrived. We entered into an arena type area, with benches behind it for us to sit in, to watch the duel scene. It was incredible! When it was over though, the King posed a riddle for all those in the audience. The courtiers then went out to ask everyone if they knew the answer. Jenny and I quickly decided what the answer was, and to our surprise, we got it right!
The King then told those of us who got it right to come forward into the arena. He then asked the six of us that got the riddle, another riddle. It was easy, and Jenny and I, and everyone else got it right. We were then told to kneel. The King came to me first, and laid his sword on my shoulder and said these words: “In the name of St. Michael and St. George, I hereby declare thee fit to mete out justice in this village, and proclaim you a Knight of the Quest.” We were thrilled, and so excited, and as we stood after that and the crowd all cheered for us, I knew I had found my adventure.
More shall be posted later, when I am not quite so tired. Love you all!
Saturday, October 09, 2004
TRIUMPH!
I have created a music video! My very first, and if I do say so myself, very well done! Here is the link to it. You will need to use a username and password to get to it. Use un: randomrachel pw: random . I created this account for Rachel, but since there's no personal info on it, anyone can use it. (Hope you don't mind Rach!)
Please Please Please! Check it out and let me know what you think!
Please Please Please! Check it out and let me know what you think!
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Ad Nauseum
So, tomorrow is work and school all day, the day after that is Memorial City Mall and the Galleria all day, the day after that is Renfest day (if I can find tickets, I think I might have to get them at the door), and the day after that I might finally get to rest. A little.
Not feeling so good today, not sure how much longer I have till I crash again. It's hard when that happens, because usually when it does, I'm alone with no-one available to talk to. Meh, despite popular belief, I do live through it every time.
Speaking of which, I'm going to try to post a picture of me on here soon. *gasp* Yes, the unbelievable is at hand!
*goes to her 4 1/2 hour class*
Not feeling so good today, not sure how much longer I have till I crash again. It's hard when that happens, because usually when it does, I'm alone with no-one available to talk to. Meh, despite popular belief, I do live through it every time.
Speaking of which, I'm going to try to post a picture of me on here soon. *gasp* Yes, the unbelievable is at hand!
*goes to her 4 1/2 hour class*
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Upgraded
Just finished upgrading to Windows XP. I bought a sound card and it wouldn't work with my stupid 98SE, and that was the last straw. So, I bought XP from my local Best Buy. One problem: When I took it home and started to install it I found there was..... NO PRODUCT KEY!!!!
Anyone who's ever installed Windows knows how vital the product key is, but my little orange sticker was just blank, it was obviously defective. So, my mom called up Microsoft, and we got that straightened out fast. They generated me a new product key. Now it works, though it took 5 hours to install... >_<
And in other news....
scrolling="no"
hspace="0"
vspace="0"
frameborder="0"
marginheight="0"
marginwidth="0"
width="200"
height="80">
Anyone who's ever installed Windows knows how vital the product key is, but my little orange sticker was just blank, it was obviously defective. So, my mom called up Microsoft, and we got that straightened out fast. They generated me a new product key. Now it works, though it took 5 hours to install... >_<
And in other news....
scrolling="no"
hspace="0"
vspace="0"
frameborder="0"
marginheight="0"
marginwidth="0"
width="200"
height="80">
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Who am I?
I am not sure who I have become recently. I am much more confident, more independent and capable, more productive and more outgoing. I have something I have prayed for for so long; the ability to have casual friends like normal people do. I could never have that before. I was always either obsessed with people or shunned them because I thought they would despise me if they knew me. But now.... I am so much more normal, I suppose, though I still have that introspective side that allows me to see the universe in a way most people never will.
The problem here really is, I don't know what to do with the problems normal people face. The temptation to give yourself to whoever seems like they will love you, even if you know it's false. The desire for companionship, even people you don't really approve of. And the terrible longing not to be alone. How do you handle these things correctly? A lifetime of semi-insane introvertedness does not prepare you to be a normal happy person. Though I suppose normal people aren't normally happy.
I want to live now. That's a foreign idea to me. I have not wanted life for most of my life. Now I do, and I'm not sure what to do with it. It is truly harder to live than to die. I've known that all my life. So, the question remains, how then should I live?
The problem here really is, I don't know what to do with the problems normal people face. The temptation to give yourself to whoever seems like they will love you, even if you know it's false. The desire for companionship, even people you don't really approve of. And the terrible longing not to be alone. How do you handle these things correctly? A lifetime of semi-insane introvertedness does not prepare you to be a normal happy person. Though I suppose normal people aren't normally happy.
I want to live now. That's a foreign idea to me. I have not wanted life for most of my life. Now I do, and I'm not sure what to do with it. It is truly harder to live than to die. I've known that all my life. So, the question remains, how then should I live?
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