"You never did get it, did you? You never guessed? So stupid. You always were stupid. I could never stand that about you." More crazed laughs. This time, as had been the case so often before, she collapsed in a heap on the blankets she'd been kneeling on. Her face buried in the comforter made her laughs sound more muffled, almost like cries. Her shoulders shook as she shoved her face harder down into the comforter until suddenly she jerked her head up and locked her eyes in front of her.
"Who's laughing now? I always knew you were laughing at me, always knew you pitied me, well what do you think now?! You don't dare face me, do you! Don't dare look at me! Get away!" She screamed the words out, spitting and shrieking like a feral animal. No reaction greeted her words, but she seemed neither to notice nor care.
"This is it, this is the truth isn't it? No more lies or hiding or politeness getting in my way. I'll show you how I am, who I am, what I am! You liar, you horrible liar! I know who you are!!" Her words flew furiously, with the crazed fluency only the insane, very drunk, or very angry are capable of. Again though, only silence greeted her outburst, pressing in on her from every side. For a moment her angry mask cracked, and two tears fell from either red-rimmed eye, but she quickly and angrily covered her face with her clenched fists, throwing her head back down towards the blankets. A muffled scream pushed at the forbidding quiet of the dark room and dwindled again into jerking sounds wrenching their way through tortured vocal cords. When she raised her face once more, her eyes seemed even more bloodshot than they had before.
"Don't do this to me! Answer me! For god's sake, answer me!!" Now the tears did come, and with them the hysterical sounding sobs and wrenching screams of laughter. No-one answered her plea, for there was no-one there to answer it at all. Her tears bounced off the blank wall in front of her, reflecting the darkness of the room around her. In the silence of emptiness her sobs were absorbed, no trace of them reaching beyond her dark room as the silence and darkness that were her only companions enveloped her once more in their consuming comfort.
2 comments:
Who is she talking to? Someone very close, I think; family. How can these words be true, and she choose every day to live with this/these people? The worst part even knowing why she cries.
I wanted to capture a moment here, the moment when someone you love fails you. When they weren't there when you needed them, or they lied to you, or betrayed you, or abandoned you, or failed to be what you needed them to be. Love and hate are sisters, close enough but one is always in the forefront. So when love fails and falls, hate takes over, and there's always this dichotomy that the ones you love most are the ones you can hate most. In this picture the girl is in the middle of the tempest of hate that follows the failure of love. She probably doesn't mean all the things she is saying, but all the insecurities and hopelessness and bitterness that are the sisters of security, hope, and forgiveness are coming alongside the hate. And there is nobody even there to hear her.
Post a Comment